The Joke off Thread

Seeing as though we are all telling jokes these days, I think instead of clogging up the non fishing chat with jokes we should bang em all in here!!

And instead of the same old 'lol' why not rate them out of ten???

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

[denojustcarpin]

Raised a chuttle got to be worth a 6!

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "Thats a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. Its the **** house door off a tuna boat!"

[cantona]

couple in there 90s fall in love and get married.On there wedding night they make love for the first time.Afterwards he thinks to himself " if i had known she was a virgin i would of been more gentle".She lay there thinking " if id known he could still get it up i would of taken me tights off"

[cantona]

Originally Posted by amateurblanker

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "Thats a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. Its the **** house door off a tuna boat!"

got to be 9 for that made me laugh

Originally Posted by cantona

couple in there 90s fall in love and get married.On there wedding night they make love for the first time.Afterwards he thinks to himself " if i had known she was a virgin i would of been more gentle".She lay there thinking " if id known he could still get it up i would of taken me tights off"

a good 7.

[steve hurst]

An Irish bloke walks into is local registar and asks the clerk at the desk "Oi wan ma name changed!"

The clerk picks up a pen and the searches for the relevant forms. "Ok sir what is your name at the moment?"

"Patrick ****house" replies the Irishman

The clerk replies "And what do you want it changing to?"

The Irishman says "Michael!!!"

[Teekay]

Timothy turns up at school with a cat under his arm, teacher says Timmy why
have you brought your cat into school? Timmy replies, well miss, when I left
the house this morning, I heard my dad saying to my auntie, " Im going to eat
that pussy when the kids have gone to school"



A little guy is sat at the bar when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the
face and says " thats KUNG FU from China" a bit later the thug smacks him
again and says "thats KARATE from Japan" the little guy gets up and leaves
the bar. A short time later he returns and smacks the thug knocking him out
cold and says to the barman " when that t**t wakes up, tell him that was a
SHOVEL from B&Q"

Teekay.

Originally Posted by steve hurst

An Irish bloke walks into is local registar and asks the clerk at the desk "Oi wan ma name changed!"

The clerk picks up a pen and the searches for the relevant forms. "Ok sir what is your name at the moment?"

"Patrick ****house" replies the Irishman

The clerk replies "And what do you want it changing to?"

The Irishman says "Michael!!!"

6.5!!!

Originally Posted by Teekay

Timothy turns up at school with a cat under his arm, teacher says Timmy why
have you brought your cat into school? Timmy replies, well miss, when I left
the house this morning, I heard my dad saying to my auntie, " Im going to eat
that pussy when the kids have gone to school"

6/10

Originally Posted by Teekay

A little guy is sat at the bar when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the
face and says " thats KUNG FU from China" a bit later the thug smacks him
again and says "thats KARATE from Japan" the little guy gets up and leaves
the bar. A short time later he returns and smacks the thug knocking him out
cold and says to the barman " when that t**t wakes up, tell him that was a
SHOVEL from B&Q"

Teekay.

9.5 Cracker!!!!

[dave]

an irish family have been found frozen to death outside the Dublin Odeon cinema, they had been queing for three weeks to see 'CLOSED FOR WINTER'

Originally Posted by dave

an irish family have been found frozen to death outside the Dublin Odeon cinema, they had been queing for three weeks to see 'CLOSED FOR WINTER'

TAXI

[famus]

the best engine in the world is the fanny! its self lubricating,starts with 1 finger and does its own oil change every 4 weeks. only problem is the managment system,very tempremental

[mancity]

Originally Posted by famus

the best engine in the world is the fanny! its self lubricating,starts with 1 finger and does its own oil change every 4 weeks. only problem is the managment system,very tempremental

9.5 Quality