The Joke off Thread

[MANAGER]

When my mate was a kid, he thought it was a good idea to go to a Gary Glitter concert.
I don't know what came over him.

[MANAGER]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty.
No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming...But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last, and you're single. Just let it go."...
But invariably the voice would bring him back to reality whispering "Dave, you're a f***ing vet."

[MANAGER]

Staff at Alton Towers have admitted that the new runaway-double-decker-bus ride may need some fine tuning.





Sorry!

[MANAGER]

Gary Glitters refusal to board a plane in Thailand left him temporarily in limbo at the airport.
Eight year old Li.......................sorry, deleted.

[MANAGER]

A little boy asks his dad where poo comes from.
Dad explains that food passes down the esophagus to the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as "poo".
"Blimey" says the boy, "and what about tigger?"

[stotty]

Originally Posted by MANAGER

A little boy asks his dad where poo comes from.
Dad explains that food passes down the esophagus to the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as "poo".
"Blimey" says the boy, "and what about tigger?"

taxi!!!!

[PJW]

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The k*ob,' where a small k*ob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The k*ob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the k*ob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the k*ob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the k*nb won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

[russ]

like it !

[conniecarlsberg]

A woman returns home after a night out with the girls, she goes upstairs only to find her husband with the hairdryer blowdrying his cock.

" What the f****n hell ya doin " enquires the wife.





The reply.














" I'm warmin' up yer suppa "

[russ]

another good un !!

[carp junkie]

what's the difference between a speed camera and goin down on a women ? you can see the **** behind the bush on a women

[PJW]

A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ****ed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Dj13]

Pmsl.

[MANAGER]

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for
any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
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A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."

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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?"
The man says "A premature ejaculation."

"What?" says the woman.
The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

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Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.

The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."

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Two cows standing next to each other in a field,

Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I
think I've lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

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Answer phone message

"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So
he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally,
he says
"I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're
right" he said, "the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
strong currant.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know
you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

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I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week ....
and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when
they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the
problem?" asks
the doc.

"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises."
replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before.

[Masterblanker]

2 Mates having a drink in a bar. One turns to his mate and says " If I sha**ed your wife and made her pregnant, would that nake us related ?"

" Dunno about making us related, but it certainly makes us even " came the reply

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A farmer in Barnsley catches a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts " Ehup cock, that dunt wanna be drinking from theer, it's full of hoss **** and cow ****e "
The bloke replies " Sorry my friend, i'm an illegal immigrant and speak very little english, can you repeat that please ? "

Farmer says " Ok my friend, if you use both hands you'll be able to drink it quicker "

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2 Boys go to the checkout with a box of tampons. Cashier says " how old are you ? "
" 8 " came the reply
" do you know what these are used for " asks the cashier
" not really, but these are for my brother and he's only 4. I saw on TV that if you use them you can swim and ride a bike and he cant do either "