The Joke off Thread

[Alan A]

Four Families live in block of flats
Pikeys on the first floor
Kosovons on the second floor
White English family on the third floor
Muslims on the fourth floor

A Freak Tornado hits the building in the middle of a lovely summers day who survives?






























The English family they were at work!!!!!!!!!

[MANAGER]

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ClubLaugh > Flash Funnies > Twin Boobies (Rated R)

[MANAGER]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like soap opera girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, shotguns, fishing, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape..

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[stevemoss]

ugly bloke walks into a pub with a big grin on his face,'what are you so happy about', asks the landlord?, well i live by the railway and on my way home last night,i noticed a women tied to the tracks,i cut her free and we sh@*ged all night! 'did you get a bl@wj*b' asks the barman. no,he says,never found the head!!!

[MANAGER]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"


"I don't remember much after that!"

[MANAGER]

YouTube - Swedish Chemist

[TAT2]

A man left this note for his wife.............

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly
interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old
secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table: 'My dear husband, I received your letter and thank
you for your honesty about me being 54 years old. I would like to take
this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you
know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the
Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant
tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference.

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will
not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[drynetter]

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
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.
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.
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A: The swallow


I'll get me coat

[The Newbie]

MAN CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh sorry I thought you meant long standing joke

[MANAGER]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one
rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all
over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and
although they try their best to avoid them, the first
woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment
for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to
this ugly man!'



The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a
duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them
together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to
be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY
careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,
but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most
handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall,
long eyelashes, muscular.







St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve
being chained to you for all of eternity?




The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck'.

[dave]

A man says to his wife "darling, what would you do if I said I'd won the lottery?" his wife replied "I'd take half of your winnings and then leave you" "EXCELLENT!" replied the man "I've just got three numbers, theres your fiver, now f**k off!!"

[MANAGER]

Yet another one from Miketg.


kiggy, that's the 3'rd time I've read that this week, must be doing the rounds.

[kiggiy]

Originally Posted by MANAGER

Yet another one from Miketg.


kiggy, that's the 3'rd time I've read that this week, must be doing the rounds.

is someone trying to tell you somthing

[kiggiy]

bloke says to wife"ur a!!e is
the size of a 3 burner bbQ"
later in bed he says "fancy a s!!g?"
wife says "no point lighting a
bbQ for half a fu!!in sausage

[MANAGER]

YOU ARE A WINNER.

Congratulations from www.sweetshop.co.uk, you have won the weight of your brain in sweets.
To collect your tic-tac, please contact us at www.thickas*h*t.co.uk