The Joke off Thread

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear." replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

Granny paused to wipe away a tear, and continued "He would still be alive if the ice cream van had not come along."

[steve hurst]

Originally Posted by amateurblanker

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear." replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

Granny paused to wipe away a tear, and continued "He would still be alive if the ice cream van had not come along."

Excellent

[BRAD]

Originally Posted by amateurblanker

we need a puke emoticon lol!!

Funny but sick

haha lmfao sikk isnt the word lol

[famus]

not looked at this thread 4 ages, in tears all over again

[stotty]

Originally Posted by philpot

SICK.............................................. ....................................

SICK isnt the word lmao worried about you drynetter

[famus]

well lads im shatterd ,jus bin to the gym you see and they got a new machine, only used it for an hour as i started to feel sick. its good though,it does everything,crisps,snickers,cola you name it

[russ]

Originally Posted by cantona

couple in there 90s fall in love and get married.On there wedding night they make love for the first time.Afterwards he thinks to himself " if i had known she was a virgin i would of been more gentle".She lay there thinking " if id known he could still get it up i would of taken me tights off"

like it !

[russ]

Originally Posted by famus

ritch man and a poor man buying there wives valentines presents,ritch man says,im buying my wife a diomand ring and a bmw.that way if she dont like the ring she can take it back in her bm.poor man says im buying my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo,that way if she dont like the slippers she can go **** herself

belter ! 9.5

[russ]

Originally Posted by famus

lets keep them in good taste[ish] paddy comes home to find his wife in crotchless panties,she says lick this.he says **** off look what its done to your knickers

another good un !

[russ]

some corking jokes lads !

[russ]

paramedics attend a nasty accident involving a car .
when they see the driver screaming in pain they tell him to calm down at least he wasnt flung through the windscreen like his girlfriend .
he screams back " have you seen whats in her ******* mouth " !

[russ]

the viking god thor comes to earth and spends all weekend having sex with a woman who has a lisp .
monday morning he says to her " i am thor "
she replies " your thor, i cant even pith " !

[famus]

Originally Posted by russ

the viking god thor comes to earth and spends all weekend having sex with a woman who has a lisp .
monday morning he says to her " i am thor "
she replies " your thor, i cant even pith " !

wicked

[MANAGER]

Peter invited his mother for dinner and, during the course of the meal,
his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne,
was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this
only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than
met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates".

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?"

"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure." said Peter.



So he sat down and wrote:


DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN , BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER.



Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:


DEAR SON,


I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM.

[Stig]

Goodun like it