The Joke off Thread

[kermit]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

[famus]

[quote=kermit;
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!![/QUOTE]

[pmsl] quality

[Teekay]

I went around to see my friends new baby yesterday,she asked me if I wanted to wind it,I thought that was a bit harsh so I just gave it a deadleg. Teekay

[famus]

flew with b.a the other week,never again,kept screamin i aint gettin on no plane fool

[Teekay]

I got barred from B&Q Stockport last week, I was in the Timber section when this bloke in an Orange apron came up to me and asked me if I wanted Decking ! Luckily I got the first punch in....Teekay

[famus]

paddy pulls up alongside a lorry and shouts oi driver your losing your load, driver replies ff off.5 miles further along paddy tries again,oi driver yer losing your load!driver replies will you **** off. another 5 miles pass and paddy pulls alongside again an shouts honest driver im not messing your losing your load..! driver shouts will you **** off you thick **** im gritting

[rogue trader]

10/10 best one yet

[rogue trader]

whats got 100 teeth and hides a monster? ......................... my zip!!!!!

[rogue trader]

if the sun says its right it must be

[steve hurst]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman get captured by the Indians.

They are each granted one last wish.

The Englishman asks for a pint of bitter. The Indians bring it, he drinks the pint and is then promptly killed and scalped.

The Scotsman requests a glass of whisky. He drinks it and is then also killed.

The Irishman asks for a round of bread and butter. The Indians bring the bread and butter, the Irishman drops his pants and wraps the bread and butter around his widge and he starts to pleasure himself.

The Indians are just about to scalp him when Big Chief shouts....






..."Halt!!! This man comes in peace"

[cradd]

AN english man irish man and scotsman get captured by an ancient tribe, they are told that they are goin to be skinned alive and there skin is goin to be used for makin canoe's, they are ask for any last request's before they die,
the english man ask's for ten fit women, the scotsman ask's for ten fit men and the paddy ask's for a folk. ON receiving the folk the tribesman ask's the paddy why the folk, the paddy then starts stabbing him self all over shouting YOUR NOT MAKING A CANOE OUT OF ME!

[fatboyslim]

Guy goes to buy a talking dog, when he gets to the shop he opens the door and is greeted by "all right pall, come to buy me" from a dog sitting on the floor.
" Jesus I've seen it all now" said the guy.

"Ive won Crufts 5 times,been in numerous films,sniffed out explosives at airports,found people buried alive to name just a few things" said the dog.

"Why the hell do you wont to sell this dog" the guy says to the shop assistant.

Shop assistant says "Because hes a lying b*****D".

[famus]

Originally Posted by fatboyslim

Shop assistant says "Because hes a lying b*****D".

quality pmsl

[steve hurst]

The 3 bears return to their cottage one morning.

"Who has been eating my porridge?" asks baby bear.

"And who has been eating my porridge?" asks mummy bear.

Daddy bear says "F**k the porridge where's the Plasma gone?"

[MANAGER]

CLETUS:
Doc, you gotta come help me, ah think ah'm goin' deaf.

Dr. HIBBERT:
He he he, well sit yourself down and have a lollipop.
Tell me Cletus, can you describe the symptoms for me?

CLETUS:
Sure can Doc. Homer is yellow fat and bald, and Marge is yellow with big blue hair.



















Tumbleweed...................

















TAXI!