Hangover Intensity Scale

[Bet]

1 Star Hangover - No pain. No real feeling of illness.

Your sleep last night was a mere nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be delighted you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You could drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Vegetarians are craving a steak sandwich and a side of gravy fries from ANY truck stop café.

2 Star Hangover - No pain. Something is definitely amiss.

You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug - to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a breakfast from McDonalds. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing our employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing internet **** and writing junk e-mails.

3 Star Hangover - Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy.

You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'ed you at 1:45am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. Dehydrated? You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

4 Star Hangover - Life sucks.

Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (Girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Brixton Discos for Anglo-Saxons, '96. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following:


The clock to strike 6pm
A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 Star Hangover - Dante's 4th Circle of Hell.

Headache? Throbbing pain? You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cubicle. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore of your skin and is making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, back at your house. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.

[gaz]

Had them all number five is a killer waking up in the morning with a taste in your mouth like ghandis flip flop