For the ladies

[gazza]

Training courses are now available for women on following subjects:


1. SILENCE, THE FINAL FRONTIER: WHERE NO WOMAN HAS GONE BEFORE

2. THE UNDISCOVERED SIDE OF BANKING: MAKING DEPOSITS

3. PARTIES: GOING WITHOUT NEW OUTFITS

4. COMMUNICATION SKILLS I: TEARS - THE LAST RESORT,NOT THE FIRST.

5. COMMUNICATION SKILLS II: THINKING BEFORE SPEAKING

6. COMMUNICATION SKILLS III: GETTING WHAT YOU WANT
WITHOUT NAGGING.

7. DRIVING A CAR SAFELY: A SKILL YOU CAN ACQUIRE

8. TELEPHONE SKILLS: HOW TO HANG UP

9. INTRODUCTION TO PARKING

10. ADVANCED PARKING: BACKING INTO A SPACE

11. COMPLIMENTS: ACCEPTING THEM GRACEFULLY

12. CLASSIC CLOTHING: WEARING OUTFITS YOU ALREADY HAVE

13. OIL AND PETROL: YOUR CAR NEEDS BOTH

14. TV REMOTES: FOR MEN ONLY

[davidg]

Good one !!!!

[Nige]

PMSL - Very good!

[Bet]

PMSL Can you sign me up for these two please Gazza

SILENCE, THE FINAL FRONTIER: WHERE NO WOMAN HAS GONE BEFORE

COMMUNICATION SKILLS II: THINKING BEFORE SPEAKING

I'm ok with these,thats why I have a landrover if somethings where I wanna be I can either drive straight over it or bulldoze it out of the way

INTRODUCTION TO PARKING

ADVANCED PARKING: BACKING INTO A SPACE

[Bet]

This quiz consists of four questions that tells you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.



1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.



2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

















Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.



3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

















Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.



4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?

















Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!



That completes the test!

This question tests your reasoning ability. So...

If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you're a true professional. Wealth awaits you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four, try selling your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as management, politics, law or medicine.

[gazza]

Originally Posted by bet

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as management, politics, law or medicine.

Many a true word spoken in jest!!!

[Bet]

Heres a few things that you should know about women

Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
Women think all beer is the same.
Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women brush their hair before bed.
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
Women will make three left-hand turns to avoid making one right-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the rubbish, and picking up the cheque.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

[Sam]